Stop the presses! Hold the mayo! Ring some sort of bell of the apocalypse!
Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
Here goes: WOMEN DON’T FIND LOSERS ATTRACTIVE.
Chilling. Just plain horrifying. I can barely type anymore. And it gets WORSE.
According to a survey by The Erotic Review (I googled it, it’s real!), unemployed men can’t deal with all those shrieking, Type A harlots who demand that they, like, get a job and stuff. And guess what, harlots? These prime pieces of lazy meat are ready to move on to new “less problematic partners.”
But wait, harlots, there is hope! In the form of gender stereotypes and lowering your standards:
Kate Copstick, owner of The Erotic Review and author of Sex In The Recession, said relationships are suffering across the country.
“Self esteem is vital for a man to be on top form,” she said.
“We are seeing a real epidemic of anxiety related issues which will be causing many a bedroom bust up. Women appear to be less than understanding – and refuse to lower their maintenance levels both financially and sexually. They don’t find ‘losers’ attractive.”
You hear that? A straight-up, bedroom bust up! That’s probably British for No Sex For You Until You Come Back With Cold Hard Cash While I Sleep With Your More Successful Brother.