An open letter to Lindsay Lohan:
Look, I’ve made my fair share of digs against you, and really it stems from love, because before you became a crotch-flashing, drug-induced mess, you were kind of my teen actress idol — the pop star who wasn’t afraid to have curves, ignore the blonde-or-brunette binary, and be overtly sexual in a way that was refreshingly different from your bubblegum nemesis, Hilary Duff. Little did I know you would never be able to contain your sexuality and fame in a way that would ever be healthy…or allow you to keep a job!
1) Never having to shower.
2) Or get dressed.
3) Forgetting what a morning alarm sounds like.
4) Or the taste of coffee.
5) Not really comprehending what “morning” means anymore, except on a purely conceptual level.