Hire My Friend: the hispanic studies major who has no interest in those financial witchdoctor positions anyway


Here, Andrew is waving hello to future employers.

Name: Andrew

Major: Hispanic Studies/Spanish

What I would’ve majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell: Somehow it was never quite imparted upon me that it takes more than wit and good intentions to make a difference about anything you care about. Or find minimum wage employment. But that’s a general lesson – it’s not like I would have been competing for those precious financial witchdoctor positions anyway. They are laden with SIN.

Why I decided to waste $160K $200K on an Ivy League education: So I could spend four years being a thorn in the side of the administration while convincing my parents this was somehow part of the Russian immigrant narrative of social advancement to which they subscribed.

Current City of Residence: I live in South Philadelphia. For those unlettered in the charms of my city, its perks include being able to get a house with friends while paying in only $250/month.

Ideal City of Residence: As much as I like New York, I am glad to have the opportunity to experience life outside the megalopolis, and get some of my place-based Philly identity established, so I’m good here. But starting in March, I go away to Argentina to teach English for a year, so I will go with Salta, a small city in the northern provinces of the country.

Current job: I feared that my life had hit a new low when, out of many 30 places I had dropped off or sent resumes, the only one that got back to me was a noble establishment by the name of the International House of Pancakes. Dystopian visions of butterscotch pancakes flooded my mind. But since this time, I’ve landed a gig tutoring the son of the most famous Tibetan folk singer in the world (!) in the SAT in Brooklyn and a two week temp position doing administrative work at the Philadelphia Museum of Art (of Rocky fame).

Dream job: Speechwriter for Hugo Chavez. Failing that, Starbucks.

Resume claim to fame: I have been in the business of systematically removing anything that might stand out in my resume, to prevent myself from being viewed as “overqualified” for the menial retail positions I was applying for. But I got a prize for being the top student in the Spanish department!

Greatest achievement I don’t like to talk about on interviews: Mostly relationships to obscure public figures – I once got totally wasted with the former Bolivian Minister of Land Reform, I know Barack Obama’s second cousin, and my great-uncle is the vice-president of Kalmykia, a Buddhist-inspired dictatorship in southern Russia.

If you would like to hire Andrew, send us a pleading email.
If you would like to be featured in the weekly Hire My Friend column or know someone who would, holla.