There are apparently only 15 jobs where women outearn men

...as long as we make less money than you

Forbes broke down the professions in which women make more bank than their male counterparts — quite a feat when you consider that most women earn only 81 cents to a man’s dollar.

Better start stocking up on your groceries now

Soon food will be so expensive that you'll be able to buy a house with approximately 587 lemons.

You know how sometimes when you contemplate the world ending, you think about how you’ll be able to run to the stores before everyone else and start buying random food items in bulk you’d never actually eat unless zombies attacked your city and you really couldn’t leave your apartment again? Well, its sorta like that now.

“Getting a child into the Ivy League starts in nursery school”

Yes, anything that allows me to post nom nom baby photos is catnip for this blog.

Duh. These are the wise words of Nicole Imprescia, who is suing her elite Upper East Side preschool for not adequately preparing her 4-year-old for elementary school exams that obviously are a gateway drug to college admissions.

Even Celine Dion is not immune from the recession’s grasp

Celine Dion is returning to Las Vegas with a mod tribute to Old Hollywood, complete with a 31-person orchestra. But Las Vegas went through a brutal recession after she left in 2007 and is recovering from the crash. Gone are the Cirque du Soleil-style theatrics that saw Dion harnessed to a cable and flown in the air during her first show at Caesars. Instead, she will sing her hits and other unexpected tunes. [BusinessWeek] 

Having no job is apparently not as bad as having a really shitty one

I can think of one man who would make the perfect example for this theory.

In today’s somewhat but barely uplifting news, a recent study of over 7000 Australian people showed that a “badly paid, poorly supported, or short term” job can be as bad, if not worse, than being unemployed.

This may seem self-explanatory, but to anyone who’s ever known the feeling of being on your last box of pasta and really struggling to remember what it’s like to wear normal clothes or have conversations with people that aren’t deliveryman, it’s worth a reminder that, like in love, you shouldn’t settle for a job that just isn’t that into you.

Sucks being unemployed right now

“Generally speaking, all the data seem to suggest that if you already have a job, the labor market probably doesn’t seem so bad, but if you’re looking for a job, there’s been almost no job market improvement over the last few years,” Michael Feroli of JPMorgan Chase wrote in a note to clients. [NYT]

The economy forces poor graduates to help people for a living

Oh look, my new paycheck!

Most kids with college degrees just hate being good people and not making a ton of money. But this damn recession has forced them to do good. Blech.

Now would be a good time to dust off that Ivy League degree

That's me and my blurry friends at our Columbia graduation in 2009, completely unaware of the employment shitshow that comes with a liberal arts degree in a recession. (Photo courtesy of Amari Hammonds!)

In a story yesterday, CNBC.com asked a question I’ve been posing on my blog for the past year and a half: Are Ivy League diplomas still worth the price of admission?

Newsflash #1: You can get the same education elsewhere. But according to the article, when it comes to getting a job, your smartypants brand name can’t be beat.

In recession, hiring is like an exhausting search for “the one”

Will you take me to be your lawful employer to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until a better salary do us part?

You would think that having legions of overqualified, unemployed overachievers would make filling a job that much easier. Not so, says the Wall Street Journal. Apparently, hiring managers have become a tad greedy, what with all the thousands of sad resumes pouring in smelling of sweat and desperation, screaming “GET ME OUT OF MY PARENTS’ BASEMENT.” In fact, some companies are taking four times as long to fill their positions, because they’re “holding out for better candidates.”

Guess who’s “winning” all the way to the unemployment line?

Nothing about that face screams unprofessional, raving lunatic to me...

After threatening and/or accidentally shooting countless women (and former wives), flaunting his nonchalant public cocaine use, insulting his executive producer with anti-Semitic epithets, starring in his own SNL spoof, and potentially endangering all tigers in the process, the public breakdown of Charlie Sheen has led to its inevitable conclusion: Hollywood’s most expensive bad boy is officially fired.

Luckily he already has some backup plans worked out. Sheen set a Guinness World Record for drawing over a million Twitter followers in one day and has signed with ad.ly to get paid for his rambling tweets. And he’s also looking for a #TigerBloodIntern. You have until Friday to apply.

Why the new 8.9% unemployment rate is a big fat lie

At this rate, the economy will never become a real, live boy.

“People think unemployment is going down, but if it’s just because people are giving up, it’s a little misleading,” says Marisa Di Natale of Moody’s Analytics, an economic research firm. “Over the past few months in particular, much of the decline in the unemployment rate is because the labor force has declined so rapidly.” [NPR]

For a select few, the recession is a major turn-on

What? Pennies can be very erotic you know.

Economic setbacks like unemployment or mortgage woes are linked to big declines in marital happiness, but a minority of married Americans say the recession has deepened their commitment to their spouse, according to a new report. [NYT]

Honey, I’ve never felt happier than cooking canned soup with you. Spending nights in total darkness to save on electricity and selling my finest jewelry to barely keep the mortgage payments coming keeps me grounded and gives life a new meaning. I’m so much more fulfilled spending every hour together since we both got laid off. I’ve learned so much about you, like that cute little face you make when you fart silently and the peculiar, fungus-like odor your socks give off after not showering for days. I’m truly blessed and I can’t believe it took us going on welfare to realize that!

Y’all better get your claws out

Still Nearly 5 Unemployed Workers for Every Opening [NYT]

Recession forces people to get intimately acquainted with their stoves

"Oh why hello there, Mr. Oven, I'm just hanging out here saving money and looking all domestically hot and stuff"

Readers of this blog already know that more Americans are carrying flasks around than they are embarrassing themselves at expensive bars. You may have also noticed this little thingamajig called Groupon, LivingSocial, or any of its less famous stepsisters that never make you want to leave the house unless it’s for 50% off the nearest restaurant. Combine these two social phenomena and sooner or later you have a trend piece about more people cooking in than dining out. Let’s break down the SHOCKING reasons why.

Why that college degree collecting dust in your parent’s attic is worth even less now

All those hours of studying yourself into an oblivion instead of having friends was totally worth it!

The unemployment rate for college graduates may not have risen as much as for less educated workers, but it’s still increased significantly — more than doubling, to 4.8 percent, over the last three years. [NYT]

One surprising profession is having a fabulous year

Check your local ports and prisons in case they may be recruiting!

Pirates captured a record 1,181 hostages in 2010 — almost all of them off the Somali coast. “More people were taken hostage at sea in 2010 than in any year since records began” in 1991, said the annual report. [AP]

Add Golden Globe winners to your list of unemployed

What you're seeing is phase 3 in unemployed purgatory.

When not working, it’s easy to let yourself go. Pajamas become the clothing of choice, showers get fewer and farther in between, and most grooming efforts fall by the wayside. My hair grew at least six inches while avoiding spending money on unnecessary beautifying. And I’m not the only one!

Even the people who finally got jobs are unhappy

Here's a gratuitous photo of a sad baby!

No matter how you look at it, everyone in this economy is screwed. Even the lucky bastards who were able to find employment are pretty miserable.

Another victim of the recession: your sex life

Nothing puts you in the mood like sharing a thin wall with your parents!

The young couple’s relationship has suffered. Arguments are more frequent. Their sex life, they say, is basically nonexistent. Every night, with her parents in the next room, Mr. Wilson and Ms. Maggi discuss in hushed tones how and when they might be able to move out. [NYT]

Shoppers are partying like it’s 2007 again

"I've been saving for three years to score these pretty average sheet sets!"

Start pouring the champagne early, ladies and gents! The Times reports that Americans are splurging like it’s BR (before the recession).

After a 6 percent free fall in 2008 and a 4 percent uptick last year, retail spending rose 5.5 percent in the 50 days before Christmas, exceeding even the more optimistic forecasts, according to MasterCard Advisors SpendingPulse, which tracks retail spending. The rise was seen in just about every retail category.

“For the past year or two, when I’ve seen growth in one area, it seems to come at the expense of another,” said Michael McNamara, vice president for research and analysis at SpendingPulse. “Here, things are actually all moving in the right direction.”

The MasterCard data suggests that the pre-Christmas sales increase was the biggest in five years. Spending reached about $584.3 billion, compared with $566.3 billion in that period in 2007.

“In the face of 10 percent unemployment and persistent housing woes, the American consumer has single-handedly picked himself off the mat, brushed his troubles off and strapped the U.S. economy on his back,” Craig R. Johnson, the president of the consulting firm Customer Growth Partners, wrote in an e-mail.

WOOOOOOOOOT! Looks like all the cash people have been storing in their bedsprings has come out of hiding! So the economy’s all fixed up now and everyone’s going to get jobs, right?